回來

流浪在外一星期。


送走G，在火車站廣場地下室的一個公厠小解，收費RMB1.00。這是我撒過的最貴的一泡尿。


明天開始更新。
2.5.05 15:07


Enjoy the May Day loneliness

五一過了兩天，我才從學校顛回來。媽媽出差去了，趁著公假日被差遣出去，以「旅遊」的名義，實則為她們學校主持招生。校方真聰明，此乃一石二鳥之舉。


於是乎，家裏就隻剩下我和老爹兩個爺們兒。我剛起床，而他則剛上床不久。爸爸有午休的習慣。我沒有，除非是累極了。


電視里著節目那嘉賓經常談及家庭和諧，説是一個家若是沒有女人就不像家了。此言有片面的真理，這真理建立在陰陽協調理論之上，或言異性相吸同性相斥。我和老爹當然不至於「相斥」——每天午飯晚飯是我們的討論課時間，古今中外想到什麽侃什麽。我的觀點在老爹看是「偏激」和「片面」的，那麽，當偏激遇到正統、片面遇到全面之時，激烈的交鋒便隨之而來。交鋒爭執不是相斥，這屬於思想層面，和性別上的「相斥」有本質的不同。不過，倘若我和老爹為某一個問題爭得不可開交甚至紅臉的時候（這種情況經常有），媽媽一般會充當調解的角色，一旦這個角色空缺，兩個異常嚴肅認真的男人就只能等著由時間慢慢解活吧。這就是兩性協調的重要。


之前在學校和G還有另外兩個朋友一起體驗自己造飯的樂趣，真正下廚的卻就我一個。一晃七天過去了，不知不覺中自己的廚藝好像也有所長進。眼下老媽不在家，廚房就暫且由我掌管。


和朋友一起樂趣似乎更多，不同的人能想出不同的點子。獨處也有樂趣，可以享受自己的癖好而不用擔心旁人的騷擾。更重要的，是享受更大的自由。
3.5.05 05:58


變

大人虎變 小人革面 君子豹變


——《易經》
3.5.05 15:10


搖滾屬於自由之靈魂


「……只要我有筆，誰都攔不住我。」


崔健六月三日將在武漢開個唱。看到這消息不盡心潮澎湃。目前爲止，我還沒去過任何人的演唱會。一來我不屬於狂熱的歌迷，我總偏執地認為聽演唱會這種「群眾運動」是瘋狂的代名詞。瘋狂不是我，我一直嚴肅而冷靜。二來很少有流行音樂能長期佔領我的耳朵，或者說能讓我熱血沸騰的流行音樂少之又少。


但我明白，崔健不同。我也說不清楚爲何非常嚮往他的現場演奏。有人說他是中國搖滾樂的教父。我一直不太明白爲何要如此稱呼他。倘若是因爲崔健最先在中國大陸做搖滾，這稱謂他當之無愧。但我覺得「教父」這個帶有宗教色彩的稱謂是不合適一個自由的靈魂的。「教父」僅僅是一個概念，被人拿來扣在崔健頭上。


很巧合，今天是五四。晚飯的時候爸爸問我，五四的口號是什麽？我說「科學、民主」。然而，八十多年之後，這兩樣在中國大陸依然舉步維艱。當你只能聽到一種聲音，只有一種判斷是非之標準，自由就不存在了，「偽科學」打著「科學」的幌子大行其道，專制也披上正義的外衣。聽不到其他聲音的社會是不正常的，甚至是危險的。樂壇中最先唱出不同聲音的，並且一直唱著不同聲音的，是崔健。


我的理解是，崔健是自由的呼喚者。人生來應當是自由的，但後天的各種因素讓人不自由。最大的不自由是思想之不自由，現實中體現為言論之不自由。人被外部環境壓抑太久就會爆發，於是崔健率先爆發，跟隨著的是他的擁篤者。崔建的音樂是對自由的呐喊，但並不見得所有人都能理解其中之深意。


六月三日星期五，之後的兩天我會有新東方的雅思課。算了，頂多不去上課。我選擇去現場感受崔健自由的呐喊。


趕緊弄票。


崔健 Cui Jian
4.5.05 15:51


Thursday, 05 May 2005

Woke up at 11am. Took a shower before going to the gathering, which has been refined by people, mostly students, down to a routine consists of dining together and karaoke. The small banquet at noon was just plain, a bit of boredom. Two of the guys showed up with their girlfriends. Food was even plainer. Didn't talk much and kept silent most of the time. Yao told me he was planning a trip to Fujian for a smuggled laptop computer, alledging it half the price you are likely to be offered in an "open market".


PlayStation 2 occupied the post-dining period, instead of karaoke. Because it was pouring with rain, which saved us the idea to roar like troating monsters in a dim room for an hour and a half, or perhaps two.


Dinner at home with Dad, alomst the same food with last night. Mom's coming back tomorrow. Our appetite will be set free.


Started reading The Diary Of A Nobody by George and Weedon Grossmith.


Might take photographs out tomorrow if the weather cooperates.
5.5.05 16:51


貽笑大方

寸寸河山寸寸金  侉離分裂力誰任


杜鵑再拜憂天淚 精衛無窮填海心


宋楚瑜在清華演講結束後，顧秉林，國立清華大學現任校長，代表校方向宋贈送禮物。一開始我就對這位顧校長的表現隱隱擔憂，之前他多次說錯話。比如，將「贈送禮物」說成「捐贈禮物」。接下來，顧先生主持儀式，將清華老教授、著名書法家張仃的一幅書法作品（篆書）贈與宋楚瑜，也就是上面這首詩《贈梁任公同年》。此詩為晚清著名外交家黃遵憲送給梁啟超的一首。書法作品展現於世，顧先生本想將這首詩當衆念出，可他拙劣的「表演」讓我抓狂：停停頓頓、支支吾吾、語焉不詳，仿佛小學生念古文、文盲面對天書一般。


堂堂清華園的主政，在如此重要、重大的場合竟然表現出如此低的人文素養，實在讓人感到恥辱。顧先生讓清華學子的顔面掃地，讓號稱有人文素養的清華大學顔面掃地，讓題寫此詩的丁力先生顔面掃地，更讓所有中國大陸的「學術界」顔面掃地。這就是清華的人文素養？連一首詩都認不清楚，你怎麽配得上清華——中國最高學府的校長之名？


清華「國學研究院」的人文早已不在。「行勝於言」更像是空谈一句。


顧秉林先生，汝愧對清华前輩師生。吾若為汝，吾寧向教育部请辞。


 


 


附：黃遵憲為晚清著名的湘籍人士，今年為他逝世一百周年祭。他在晚清政府簽訂了《馬關條約》、被迫將台灣割讓給日本的當年寫下了這首《贈梁任公同年》。
11.5.05 08:25


Tomorrow Night

今天是殘酷的，明天更殘酷。但後天是美好的，大多數人都死在明天晚上。


It is a cruel reality that we live in today, even more so for tomorrow. Yet it is tomorrow night, after which comes a beautiful day, most of us could not survive.


從小秋那學到這句話。
11.5.05 17:49


Blog for irregularities

I can feel that I'm getting into another cycle of working with a malfunctioning head. The following reasons are summarized in light of my recent irregularities:


A) For the past four or five days, I've ventured into restroom at least once every day. It's believed this frequent behaviour of bowel movements was caused by excessive intake of milk during breakfasts. As you may conclude, I had a mild diarrhea.


B) Early summer here means an ever-changing weather that even the most detailed precautions, including different kinds of clothing like summer T-shirt, spring jacket, etc. and other cold/heat-proof methods, are no guarantee to coziness. The best way to avoid any physical suffering possible of making an adjunct to the mild diarrhea is to stay in bed all day. But having said that, abdominal pain seemed to be unavoidable.


C) My laziness added up more to the cause.


Physical discomfort had a negative impact on my psyche, compelling the brain into another malfunctioning cycle. I'm not sure how and when it's going to end.


Apart from this tiny little misery, all is done with regularities.
14.5.05 19:33


學習藤郎好榜樣

下面我來念口水文。


起來的時候已經臨近午飯了。洗漱之後坐於飯桌前，邊吃邊看電視。先是央視的『共同關注』，說東北某城市一對年輕戀人，途經一處公園，見一夥狂徒群歐一少年，其間棍棒砍刀相加暴力血腥不堪。然圍觀者眾，竟無一人相救或報官。戀人女看不下去，大聲呵斥狂徒「別打啦，再打就撥一一O啦」。此舉並未使眾狂徒停手，反倒讓戀人女險遭殺身之禍。「誰打一一O？誰打？」話音剛落，數狂徒便揮舞著砍刀向戀人殺將過來，並將戀人女砍成重傷，隨後逃逸。戀人女的傷勢：左手手骨、莖腱完全斷裂，只剩下些許皮肉輿左臂連接，並由於失血過多爾休克，生命垂危。


之後是鳳凰的『讀報』。此前因爲中文台信號中斷，楊老頭已經定格在我家電視二十六台好多時日了。可如今再度看到他，卻沒有想象中那麽興奮。或許先前的節目讓我心中滿是憤懣，楊老頭的節目沒看到一半就進了房間，閉門修煉。躺在床上讀 The Diary Of A Nobody ，不知不覺中帶著眼鏡睡著了。約摸五分鐘，感覺太陽穴疼痛，取下眼鏡後接著睡。四點鍾起來，穿著内褲行走於房間内。之後幫老爹造飯。


都說東北人野性，今日電視里又好好見識了一番。一幫半大不小的破孩兒們就能拿著砍刀划人，還將見義勇爲的戀人女砍傷，這真是土匪文化的當代產物。說當代產物，借用老媽的話就是，「都是跟那些香港電影學的！原來都沒聽説過黑社會這麽一說，現在到處都黑社會黑社會的」。但是這幫破孩兒還不是黑社會，他們還只是社會的幼兒。最遭殃的要數戀人，尤其戀人女。


一看到說「圍觀群衆」，我就想到魯迅。西元一九O五年，魯迅在東洋求學。看到錄像里日俄戰爭中為俄國人送信的中國人要被日本人殺頭爾圍觀的中國人流露出的麻木神情，魯迅決定棄醫從文以拯救國人的精神。一百年之後的今天，我們看到的情景依舊。有時真的想離開這個國度，和這惡劣的文化土壤徹底決裂。但我沒啥能耐，除了經常牢騷幾句，有時痛駡一聲，我所有的選擇就是沉默，然後在沉默中自生自滅。所以，看完電視吃完飯我就睡著了，還做了夢，夢到自己前場的左腳任意球開出之後搶點的人頭球擊中橫樑。


夜間雷聲不斷，大雨傾盆。我冒著電腦被雷電擊中的危險，寫下了上面這些話。
16.5.05 18:56


Slob in New Oriental School

Having sealed myself eating and sleeping at home for about three weeks, I was granted the chance to take a little more nap somewhere far from my bed. The IELTS course finally arrived on last Saturday.


It was the New Oriental School, the No.1 English training workshop here in China, that I chose to have me encaged for all the eight weekends from May 14 to July 3. From 8:30 to 14:10, all students who bear the dream to further their education abroad, male and female, pretty and not so pretty, fat and skinny, tall and short, smart and stupid, have only a forty-minute lunch break, which is from 11:00 to 11:40. Of course everyone is allowed to leave the classroom whenever they feel the need. But also, one might miss some seemingly important personal experience on exam skills to be shared with the teacher. After all, we paid to be in the classroom--the NOS is not a compulsory school with nurse-like teachers who take care of every thing.


I arrived at the school ten minutes earlier before the teacher got started. My seat was on the third row--quite an advantage to have a full knowledge of what the teacher in charge of the reading part looked like. And after rummaging in my head for appropriate words that best describe his characteristics, I found only "pedantic"--as pedantic as I am perhaps. In fact he is quite nice, with an unlimitted speed of speech to be the only challenge we will face.


It was not until smothered by skills I'd already been familiar with for ages that I figured our how boring this course of four different modules could be. I'm not saying it's easy to get a high mark. But he really should had offered something spicy. So after about half an hour, I felt encompassed by dullness and laid my head down onto the desk. The potbelly pedantry(Oh, did I inform you he's a little fat? Yep, fat but still quite safe to be labled "cute".) just kept ranting on and on with all he was to offer, self-amused by some not so funny jokes at intervals. In a flash, I even came up with the idea to quit and refund my money. What's with such tedious lecturing process and eight weekends deprived of freedom?


Yet again, my laziness saved the beautiful NOS front desk lady the trouble to do me such a favor. I persevered the rest of that morning by having my eyes on his face without lifting my face up from the desk. 


Lunch time was quick time. One was compelled to be occupied with nothing but food, or nothing at all. But earlier, the abdominal pain derived from the mild diarrhea(as I mentioned in last English entry) had comsumed most my desire and energy to take a glutton(which is partly why I had my head laid on the desk). I returned to classroom in not more than twenty minutes' time, with my stomach half-stuffed.


The rest of the course in the afternoon was no better than before. I almost fell into daydreams. The feculent air was another unpleasant experience. Imagine what happens when eighty-plus lesser human beings all gather together in one room and breathe? Nightmare. I wouldn't blame the ventilating system though--the weather was just not hot enough so we couldn't be treated with air conditioner. One couldn't expect too much when away from home. So I happily followed Mr Pedantry's advice into some unfashionable reading exercise with more unfashionable articles, like Hidden history: the beetle's secret cycle of life and I persevered another two hours.


Don't blame me folks. I simply hate to have classes with so many attendees. No interaction, no ask&answer, no inspiration. All you have is a one way conversation. But what more could I ask for? Emmm, perhaps I'll try to create some new class fashion next weekends. I'll let you know then.


 
16.5.05 22:21


胡扯兩句

人生無趣，唯胡扯有趣。倘若哪一天我發覺胡扯也無趣了，多半我就出家念經頌佛了。


簡單的人不能活在中國，活在中國的人多半不簡單。
17.5.05 18:59


Why do birds sing every morning

Could someone be so erudite as to inform me why birds in the trees sing every morning when I go to sleep? I'm now as serious as a philosopher.


爲何鳥兒每天清晨會吟唱？這是個很深刻的哲學問題。
18.5.05 16:03


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